The Worst Of Me

I was looking for an idea of looking for something to read while I was reading my old notes. The notes made when I lived in The Land Of Elephant. As usual, I always impressed myself, impressed because I never thought I could write notes like those notes.

When the first time I arrived there, everything was not like I never thought before. I got a comfortable room with an unlimited access to decorate the whole room which was very awesome since that was one of my bucket lists to own a private room. Noted, that room has a bathroom inside of it which made it more awesome. I lived in a small city where everything you could reach with a bicycle which was one of my bucket lists too so it made it more awesome for me.

Then one day I realized that there was everything started. I have a disease called laziness, a very acute laziness. Right at the moment when I felt so happy with the situations and tried to embrace everything with grateful, I forgot that it was so wrong, why? Because it was starting to kill me slowly for my acute laziness was so happy with coming out.

I was not sure when it started, but there were times when I was so definitely lazy to even drink a water or go to the toilet and just laid down on the bed. When I said I was going to study, but then what I was doing was hugging my big pillow. I even lazy to open my phone for checking texts coming or phone calls.

I knew exactly if it continues then it would lead me to a very bad situation, but once again, I was too lazy to even think about that. It has happened. I faced many hardships, but I knew those were not only happened because of my laziness, but I still believe that one of the reasons why this happened was because of my acute laziness.

I had to move to another place. My thought was another country would be better to cure my laziness by treating myself living in a very minus place, but then God was (and is) good to me for He would not let me suffer. He gave me a very nice room. When I was supposed to have a small tiny room, but it turned to be a huge room with bathroom inside of it. How could I not be grateful for that?

In the new place where I was supposed to survive and heal myself from my laziness. I was treated so well. There was food I could eat anytime. There was unlimited access to the wi-fi and many more. I asked God, “All of these are going to kill me? Stop giving me these.” That time, instead of thanking God for everything He gave to me, I was so afraid. The fear of something was going to happen (again) because of that coziness was starting to killing me.

Who does not like coziness? I like it so much. I like it even I knew it would kill me in no time. For some people, it probably doesn’t even become a problem, they are able to manage themselves with the coziness they have. They are able to make it the most of them and earn something for it, but I am not one of them. I am not saying that people should not live in a comfortable place, but at least for me, once it becomes very comfortable then it starts killing me. Killing for what? My laziness will come out then everything starts to fall apart for I will be lazy to do everything. My creativity, my ideas, my abilities, and many more will slowly disappear since I will be lazy to think about it.

The worst of me is coming out when I lived in such of a comfortable place. The worst of me called laziness that does not even want to refrain when I pushed myself out. I don’t really understand when they said “comfort zone is killing your faith” back then. Then when I looked into myself, I totally understand what it means. Now, I am still facing my laziness. It won’t go away as easily as I thought years before, but I got new ways about how to deal with it. I need my laziness to mature me or I can say, to make me become a better person.

The Musings

As I wrote this post, I am telling myself that “Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn’t get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,

My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.

Once I heard that, I was glad because it happened. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.