Happy New Year Papa! See You In Heaven!

It was dark and cloudy when I went back to my parents’ house on New Year Eve. I wasn’t in the best conditions because of the weather. Yet, a phone call pushed me to change my clothes and headed to my parents’ house.

“You should come, your dad is getting worse,” my mom’s voice scrambled when she said those words.

“I’m sick” I’m still holding myself.

“Then talk to your dad, just talk, he won’t answer, but at least he can hear your voice,” she still insisted on doing what she needed to do.

“Okay, pass the phone to dad.”

The only thing I said was, “Papa… Papa” Even I knew that there wouldn’t be an answer come instead of saying something I only said that word and hung up the phone. I took a seat and hold my phone, pushed some numbers, called someone, and 15 minutes later, I already rode a motorbike headed to my parents’ house. Their house is around 45 minutes by bike from my place (2 hours by public transport).

The house looked old. It took me almost 10 years to go back there again. I even forget the way back home. I entered the house, headed straight to my parents’ room, and saw my dad. The strongest one I ever knew who only able to lay his body on his bed without doing anything.

“Papa… Papa..” I tried to call him, but he just lay there. I wanted to lift him up, but it was useless, his body seemed to refuse to be lifted, so I hugged him and told him,

“It’s me. I’m sorry for taking a long time to be here. I’m sorry to let you like this whole time. I’m here, and I’m fine Pa. Your daughter has grown a lot, I can take care of myself now, I can take care mom also, you don’t have to worry, we are fine, I’m sorry for making you wait way too long, you may go Pa, you’re free to go” Those words came from my mouth unexpectedly, it seems it had been inside me long ready enough to be said. My tears are about to pour, but I hold it inside, not because I don’t want to cry, but I just don’t want he sees me cry.

“Papa… Papa, I love you, and I will always love you, you were, you are, and you will always be my best person in the world” I kissed him after I said those words.

My friend came to my parents’ house and joined me there, we prayed for my Papa and left that house again right after we prayed.

One hour later when I reached my place, my mom called me “Papa has gone” I stood next to the door with nothing to say to my mom, “come back here, Papa has gone” “yes” was the only answer I said back then.

I once imagined how I would feel or act if I heard my dad passed away, would I start crying instantly? Would I be angry? I had no idea what I would do while back if I learned my dad pass away. That moment on 31 December 2014, I once imagined how I would act or feel. The moment when I heard my dad passed away, the moment that I tried so hard for it not to understand or happen. I couldn’t even go back home because I definitely knew my dad would pass away once I went home. Speechless, tearless. I was just stood there while holding my phone so hard, saying and doing nothing.

I came out of my room still acting like nothing had happened, my spiritual mother asked me about my dad [she knew that I went home while back] “Papa has gone” she didn’t say anything but suddenly stood up, came to me and hugged me tightly.

“God knows better than us, Papa is with the Father in the Heaven,” she said softly. It was when my tears started to pour I even forgot where I am

“Thank you” there were no other words I could say

The Day When I Realize That I Would Not Meet Him Again

The next day somehow, I still thought that nothing happened yesterday. I went to the parents’ house (again). While looking at Papa and thinking that “he was just sleeping.“

I met many people who I didn’t know at all. I still talked like nothing happened until I saw him in the coffin. When they were about to close it, I realized I wouldn’t meet him again. My tears poured, and I couldn’t stop it, no matter how hard I tried to stop.

I touched his face, kissed him, and whispered, “happy new year Papa, thank you for stick around with me the whole time! Your one and only daughter will always love you.”